I have been writing thinks down here and there but I haven't published them because I haven't been able to complete my thoughts or at least turn them into something cohesive enough to feel like someone might want to take the time to read them and I also started posting shorter things on Rebekah's Fight (the page I set up on Facebook for her) so laziness has played a part as well. so I am just going to post all of the snippets together and hope for the best. Here goes:
Today ( 7/8/2013) on the way up to chemo I started thinking about the most likely way Rebekah will be able to have children and it struck me that all of the mothers of my future grandchildren are probably alive (with the exception of the mother/s of Rebekah's). I started hoping that they are being well taken care of and are in homes with parents who love each other so they will have a good example of how being married should be. I also thought about with Rebekah likely not having her own children that the mother / mothers of hers might be not born yet, I thought about how thankful I will be to her/ them and her/ their parents for coming to the decision to help someone else become parents.
As a parent of a child with cancer I have to be concerned not only with
will she live through this but how will her life be after. Some of the
effects of chemo are immediate, and very visible and some we just won't
know until she is older. The throwing up and hair falling out, inability
to keep weight on, mouth sores they show up right away but they will be
reversed if she makes it through. The heart defects, pelvic deformity,
lung scaring, infertility, chances of other cancers, these and some
others won't show up right away but she will have to deal with them the
rest of her life.
I was asked by a friend who's child also has cancer, how I cope with the fact that there is even a chance that my daughter won't live through this. I told her that the only way I get through that is by focusing on the future, not the "oh one day she will be cancer free and life will go back to normal future" because as far as I can see that's just BS, I can see her life being good and having joy and happiness but it will never be the same as if she had never had cancer. She is going to have scars, I will always be scared that it will come back or that she will get another kind of cancer even on the most awesome and fun days I can imagine I will have that at the back of mind and with every time she has a pain in her I will think "is the cancer back". Our lives have been forever altered and she is only 4.
I am scared about Rebekah's upcoming MRI; I am scared the tumor hasn't shrunk and they won't be able to take it out; I am scared that it has shrunk and they will want to remove it but will damage organs when they do; I am scared it will have shrunk so much that she won't have to have it taken out at all but that later on this will have been the wrong call and she will relapse. I am scared that she won't wake up after the surgery; I am scared that they best option is to remove organs or parts of them during the surgery. I worry they won't get it all. I worry that she won't recover well from the surgery and it will delay her radiation; I worry that they won't give her time to recover.
My boys have always behaved badly when I need them the most, moms I know you know what I mean. You tell them you need them to help out because you are sick they make more messes and make you yell at them to do simple things and it ends up just wearing you out more. with the stress and worry I have been experiencing I just can't cope as well with the day to day behavior and my kids being home for the summer is just draining. I love them and I wish I had more to give them I wish I could smile and take them to do the fun things they want to do and do all the things they want me to do.
