Back to "normal"?!

I have been changed by the last 16 months in ways that can't be reversed. I never felt like I fit in before, and now even less. My soul aches for the friends who have lost children as well as for my own struggles. I don't know how to just pick my life back up and live like we used to, but that seems to be what people expect. My heart still feels broken for the things I have missed with my other children over the last year and the fun things Rebekah missed out on. I am still in awe that Rebekah made it through all she has been through and how close she really was to dieing. I kind of get pissed off when people think "oh she finished chemo so she's done with the cancer," if they were actually any good at curing metastatic rhabdo then yeah maybe that would be true. 20-30% of kids live 5 years after diagnosis with metastatic rhabdo so when Rebekah hits 9  1/2 we can say she has "survived" but there are no statistics after that. Nothing I have read leads me to the belief that it won't come back. I have to pick myself up everyday slap on a smile and act like life is worth something because it is and I want my kids to believe so too. The oldest is having trouble adjusting to me being here and in charge most days we struggle for power and it hurts that I find him to be so annoying and headstrong. The second oldest is becoming clingy and the youngest boy is more easily sent into a rage or tears. I don't know how to pick up the pieces and be the mom they deserve and fix these issues.