Getting smacked with reality

             Had a full day planed with casting early in the morning, chemo and then an ultrasound later in the afternoon. Rebekah did very well with her casting even though I was thinking this guys is so big and he looks like he is trying to wrench her foot off half of the time we were there. I though I had left a little wiggle room in our schedule but there wasn't really any so as soon as her casts were on I placed her emla cream on and boogied on up to outpatient chemo. (With a quick stop at Arby's as requested by Rebekah.) We got to clinic with a few minutes to spare and waited to be checked in and be placed in a room. Or favorite Fellow comes in and talks to us we go over the normal: how's she been feeling did the casting go ok, do you feel comfortable with the physical therapist, when are they planning the next casting, we have Rebekah scheduled to come in next Thursday for inpatient chemo, stuff. Then he asks, "Have we gone over the big plan with you recently?" How long ago is recently? So I say, "umm." He pulls out her protocol and he explains that the eval week will happen at the time she is checked in for the new type of chemo she should be starting in 7 weeks and I said won't we be evaluating for surgery and when would they do it if we are jumping right into chemo? And Dr. I can't lie and I wear my feelings on my face says I don't think that it will happen at that point. This whole time I have been thinking that we would eventually get to a point where her tumor was going to be small enough or become less involved with things in her pelvis so that it could be removed, or at least I felt like that hope was there but his face said he didn't think it was going to be likely. I tried not to cry lest I make Rebekah upset and make doctor cry too, we both did tear up some though. I can't believe how I just move through some days so optimistic about how things are going and then get smacked by the reality that we really are fighting for her life, the quantity as well as quality.