So Tired

  I felt fine leaving the hospital today....
  It has been a long day, Rebekah has been very sleepy and this morning was no exception she was mean to people who she normally loves to see and was hushing people left, right and center, trying to go back to sleep. We reaccessed Rebekah's port after 1pm and while it was out we (I was in my swimsuit) took a bit of a shower. Rebekah has been rashy and it was on her head, chest and back, we had washed her hair with no rinse shampoo so I was thinking she maybe sensitive to it and rinsing it all off of her might help (I later found out that the chemo can come out in their sweat too. Extra reason to take a shower) I held her on my lap in a shower chair leaning back so as not to put pressure on her catheter. We got her all clean and she seemed to really enjoy having the water running over her belly and back. We had just got her back in bed when we had visitors. I was hoping for a few minutes for Rebekah to get to know these people that Mommy and Daddy love but, she puked. We headed back to the shower to get it out of her hair lest she smell until we could get her to agree to go back in. The saddest part was that she had just tossed up the french fry that she had eaten and all the shake I was able to get her to sip that day. That was everything she had eaten since the chocolate covered strawberry she ate between chemo doses the night before (yes, I know she's not supposed to eat during that time but she wanted to and with her not wanting anything the whole day before that, I couldn't say no.)  { Getting our sweet little girl to eat has been a huge source frustration for both my husband and myself and anything that she agrees to eat feels like a major victory. It was mentioned at rounds this morning and I felt a bit of shame but Dr. Luke gave me a reassuring nod and stepped closer to me, I think to indicate that it was ok and he was on my side.}
  We got her to clean her mouth out before she nodded off again. I rushed off to go be with my boys and feed them. I got about 30 minutes away from the hospital and I started getting so tired, I had all these plans for when I got home. Cooking a good dinner, making banana bread, washing some clothes, washing myself, helping the boys feel loved and cleaning the dishes. I sit here with the dinner done, it was good (chicken and asparagus) I bought some bananas, I have some clothes sitting in the washer waiting for me to move them to the dryer, I think the boys now know how many curse words I know (insert shameful downcast look), some dishes are in the dishwasher, I will carve out 15 mins after I post this to take care of the other one. I need to work on finishing the list. I get a new day tomorrow to do better at the loving of my boys and to remember that the other crap can wait. I am a work in progress, not a perfect person. I have bad days and get to do better tomorrow. I know I am loved even when I'm not at my best. I guess I had a glimpse of how Rebekah was feeling, I can be more patient with her.
Lots of love to you all,
Goodnight